Wednesday, August 01, 2007

PETA: Researchers discover gene causing animal hate!

Announced late last night: a researcher has discovered the gene which controls irrational affection for animals over one's fellow man.

While reading his evening news aggregator, Ezvones Tupit Sonibytch discovered the key to this mystery.
A 15-month-old boy suffered minor injuries when he was attacked by a 4-foot ball python in a ... park.

Christine Abdelmonem had taken her son ... to get a better look at some ducks ... in Freedom Park on Monday. As she lowered the boy ... she felt a tug and saw the snake wrapped around his leg.

She screamed for help and two maintenance workers rushed over. One hit the nonvenomous snake with a shovel before trapping it in a bucket ... [FoxNews]
Mother and child are fine [for 2,000 years mother and child have been fine].
John Calchera, a pet store owner in nearby Pineville, took in the constrictor snake. He thinks it may have been abandoned by a pet owner and that it won't survive being beaten.

"It's a totally harmless thing," he said. "Why attack a harmless thing?"
Ezvones, suspecting a link, rushed to his KFC office to investigate the problem.

Following extensive Goggling, Sonibytch discovered the halo of a feminine gene
which stimulates a woman to protect her young. [Exception - "boyly girls, they are missing the gene and tend to kill their young.]

A corollary in men is a gene which stimulates them to protect women with children; thus the behavior of the maintenance workers. He also concluded the existance of an anti-corollary - a gene stimulating irrational affection for any and all non-homo sapiens.

Using his deductive reasoning skills, this independent Agrizoophobe concluded: Mr. Calchera is either a) not a female, b) missing the gene, or c) one stupit sonibytch!

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